Shelley Watters is having an amazing blog contest. The prize? A FULL MANUSCRIPT REQUEST from uber agent Suzie Townsend. I can use any/all advice. Here is my 140 twitter pitch.
Title: Broken Forest: A Keening Blade Novel
Genre: YA Epic Fantasy
Word Count: 61,000
Seventeen-year-old Avikar thought he was rescuing his sister from bandits, not a reptilian lord planning his race’s annihilation.
17yr old Avikar thought he was rescuing his sister from bandits, not a reptilian lord planning a world invasion.
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I like it! I want to read the story and find out more!
I think this is a great hook. Just a small suggestion, consider taking out Avikar's age in favor of putting in a snippet about how the reptillian lord kidnapping his sister relates to annihilating his race.
Otherwise, you have conflict and consequence. Great job!
I agree with Loralie. The age takes up so many characters, and your pitch is still strong without it. I would use that space to add extra info, too.
Good pitch! I'd agree with the above and would add that "a reptilian lord planning his race's annihilation." makes it confusing as to who's race is going to be killed, Avikar's or the lord's? Also, you had me at reptilian. 🙂
I'm in the contest too!
Another agreement about the above, except you can keep the age in an just shorten it to '17yo' – it's a twitter pitch so I think it's okay (and I did it lol) Really like the premise!
I'm hooked, but my only comment is that grammatically I can't tell if Avikar is rescuing his sister or the reptilian lord. I know what you mean, but it's still grammatically ambiguous so you might try rewording it so it's clearer.
Otherwise, the concept is awesome and I'd definitely read it!
I'm totally hooked but I second Mara's comment about being confused about who was being rescued. I knew that you meant Avikar's sister, but it could be confusing to someone at a glance. Like Libby, you had me at reptilian 😀
Seventeen-year-old Avikar thought he was rescuing his sister from bandits, not a reptilian lord planning to annihilate Avikar's world/race/people.
Just a grammar issue. I like that this creepy reptile is scheming to do something terrible. It just has to be clear what.
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I agree with rephrasing to eliminate confusion about which race will be annihilated; cleemckenzie's suggestion is pretty good. Otherwise, this sounds great! I'd absolutely read on.
unique blend for a story
Great! I agree with the above comments. All the best!
Wonderful. I agree with the above comments to tweek just a bit. Good Luck. Story sounds fantastic!
I thought the same. Great build up and hook on the end.
funny i didn't think anything about the way it read until i saw some of the comments. i agree it does leave it unclear in a waythat it could be assumed the MC is unsure if he is a good guy trying to save his sister or a lizard plotting doom and gloom…keep on writing and good luck!
Like it. Agree with the age thing. Since it's twitter, the agent will be able to tell from the genre. Reptilian is cool and unique, though.
thanks for all the advice, and the reptilian love!
V2 is great. Don't worry about adding genre/wordcount in the 140 char pitch. You'll include that in your contest entry, but it isn't part of the 140 characters. 🙂
I like V2 and agree with the prior feedback.
I think it reads great! SOunds like a fun story.
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V2 reads stronger. Great mix of storylines, though. Certainly something I'd read. Good luck!
Sounds like a cool idea. I like the rewording by cleemckenzie. Good premise.
I agree the second version is much stronger. I like cleemckenzie's rewording. It adds more power and drama to the pitch. Great story idea. Good luck!
Good job! The second version is definitely the stronger one. Good luck in the contest!
I like your premise, but the second part of both is confusing. Is he trying to save his sister from a reptilian Lord or is he a reptilian Lord?