Brenda Drakes is holding an awesome blog contest. Post the first 250 words of your finished manuscript. I’ve been battling with my first few chapters for months. I’m excited to see what the response is on the below. Enjoy and make sure to check out all the other entries!
Name: Eliza Tilton
Title: Winds of Change
Genre: YA Fantasy
A crowing rooster woke Avikar out of a fitful sleep, reminding him to get up. Soft light slipped through the white curtains that blew with the incoming breeze. He rolled onto his side and stared at the crack moving across the wall in a spiny dance. His father had asked him to paint it, but he didn’t see the point.
It was always the same. Work, eat, work, sleep. And it was enough to drive him mad. As a child, he’d dream of traveling around Tarrtainya’s multi-colored landscapes and discovering all the ancient places from the books he read. Being a stable-boy was never part of the plan. Now he was the only son, a result of his one tragic mistake. It was his duty to stay and work on the farm. He would spend the rest of his days shoveling through his grief.
The rooster crowed again, followed by a yell from his father, Garn. Avikar threw the pillow over his head to drown the noise. His father’s loud voice was like a dagger in his chest, reminding him of his penance. Garn called again, shouting about dumping a water bucket on his head if he didn’t get up.
“Today’s going to be a long day,” Avikar groaned, and with the motivation of a sloth, he dragged himself downstairs to the kitchen.
I think your voice is great! I do think that your first paragraph is not as strong as the rest of your entry. I'd get rid of most of it, as I don't think it adds anything to your piece. My suggestion is below….
A crowing rooster woke Avikar out of a fitful sleep, reminding him to get up. It was always the same….
I'd read on for sure, but if I just got that first pararaph as is, I might not read any further. The rest of your entry is really good!!!
You have a great voice here. I also agree with Sharon that that first paragraph isn't as strong and needs to be tightened a bit.
Thanks for sharing.
Interesting! What was the tragic mistake?? I would read more to find out–my interest is piqued!
I like that you put the mistake in here. Very good. I also liked the suggestion for the opening paragraph. I'd follow with the "always the same, work sleep bit, then the part about the mistake if you can. It just calmly packs in the must read ingredient. If you could somehow slip in something that tells me his desire to somehow undo or change what has happened, something to propel me to see him achieve. I know it's hard in such a short space, but it wouldn't have to be much, even if it's just a deep wish. Just thinking out loud.
You could probably strengthen the first paragraph by including something in there about how he's got a permanent weight on his chest, i.e. his grief. or something like that.
I really like where this is going and I would definitely read on!
Hi Eliza! Good beginning you have here–good luck with the contest.
I wanted to say thanks for following my blog and joining my contest. I've followed you back and I look forward to reading your posts.
All the best.
Great voice but the others are right- your first paragraph is not the first —-
The rooster crowed again followed by—Begin here
It was always the same –this next
Only then could the rooster remind him to get up —on waking the rooster is not reminding—it might be trying to force him or he might have an irrational hate of the rooster wound up with his father – There needs to be some emotion in this paragraph. Actually I would drop the first sentence make the 1st paragraph the last paragraph and Soft light – would be where that Paragraph starts.
Your name choice – I like the fact that it is an odd name but still you can say it – it is telling me it may be some other world – while not making it Impossible to say. Good blend.
Sound like ther might be a story here I would read on.