I wasn’t sure if I was going to post anything, but one of things about being a writer is stating the truth. All the ugly and all of the good whether it be in our characters or in life.
So here’s me, being real.
I
found out about two weeks ago that my BFF growing up killed herself. Why do I
say growing up and not today, well, because we grew apart like most
people do, but I feel that the gap was more on me.
found out about two weeks ago that my BFF growing up killed herself. Why do I
say growing up and not today, well, because we grew apart like most
people do, but I feel that the gap was more on me.
A
few years ago my friend started making the transition from a woman to a
man. It started with a haircut, then a name change, then breast
removal, then hormones to grow facial hair. It’s a drastic change, but
that’s what she felt she needed to do.
few years ago my friend started making the transition from a woman to a
man. It started with a haircut, then a name change, then breast
removal, then hormones to grow facial hair. It’s a drastic change, but
that’s what she felt she needed to do.
I
had a hard time accepting it. Very hard. We both stopped calling, she
moved away and we saw each other occasionally at mutual friend’s events. A
few months ago she tried getting in touch with me to see how I was
doing. What did I do? Ignore her. Not because I didn’t care, but because
I didn’t know what to say. Not only was I uncomfortable with the transformation but I couldn’t picture it. Any time I thought of her, it would be how she took two hours to do her hair and makeup–longer than me! And now she had bigger muscles than my husband. Then I got pregnant and busy and she slipped
my mind. I assumed I’d get the nerve to tell her why I was having a
hard time with everything, but I was a chicken. I figured I would just come out and say it and we’d take it from there. I never expected her to commit suicide.
had a hard time accepting it. Very hard. We both stopped calling, she
moved away and we saw each other occasionally at mutual friend’s events. A
few months ago she tried getting in touch with me to see how I was
doing. What did I do? Ignore her. Not because I didn’t care, but because
I didn’t know what to say. Not only was I uncomfortable with the transformation but I couldn’t picture it. Any time I thought of her, it would be how she took two hours to do her hair and makeup–longer than me! And now she had bigger muscles than my husband. Then I got pregnant and busy and she slipped
my mind. I assumed I’d get the nerve to tell her why I was having a
hard time with everything, but I was a chicken. I figured I would just come out and say it and we’d take it from there. I never expected her to commit suicide.
And now she’s gone. I don’t know if she thought I didn’t care. I pray that she knew me well enough to know I did. Of course I wonder if she had tried reaching out to me like she had in the past because she trusted me. I don’t know if I could’ve changed anything, but I could’ve at least been there.
This
was the girl who took me in when I ran away. Helped me when people
messed with me in HS and had my back in every sense of the way.
was the girl who took me in when I ran away. Helped me when people
messed with me in HS and had my back in every sense of the way.
In
the end I didn’t have her’s and there’s no way to fix it. I wonder what
was going through her head in the end, and I can’t stand it that I
failed her in her darkest hour. I’m ashamed and filled
with deep regret. The only promise I can make is I will never brush off
one of my friends again. I’ll always be honest, no matter how
uncomfortable the topic may be. I know she would’ve understood. I just
don’t know why it’s only now that I realize that.
the end I didn’t have her’s and there’s no way to fix it. I wonder what
was going through her head in the end, and I can’t stand it that I
failed her in her darkest hour. I’m ashamed and filled
with deep regret. The only promise I can make is I will never brush off
one of my friends again. I’ll always be honest, no matter how
uncomfortable the topic may be. I know she would’ve understood. I just
don’t know why it’s only now that I realize that.
If you’re ever in this situation, don’t do what I did. Love is supposed to be unconditional and those people we have a hard time with are the ones that need it the most.
I'm so sorry, Eliza. This is incredibly sad. I'm thinking of you and your friend.
Thanks : )
Oh, Eliza…I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*
: )
Eliza, this is heart-wrenching. It takes guts to say all of this, and to be honest about your own confusion and inability to be there for your friend. I will not forget this, and I'm sure that's true of everyone who reads it. That's something.
thank you. That means a lot.